So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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