I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Randomize
