she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
