oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
