Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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