I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
