Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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