I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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