When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
