well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Just cropdusted the office
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
