woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Randomize
