he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Randomize
