i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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