I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize