It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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