Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I want to fling myself into the sun
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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