she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
