she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
