oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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