He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
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Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
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Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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