i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
