i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
10+ Incredible Tumblr Stories That Will Leave You Shook
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
16 People Who Have Raised The Bar For Petty Revenge
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual