i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Randomize
