By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
