you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
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