I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
