If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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