i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
