when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Randomize
