cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
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