this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
