I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
