She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
