can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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