You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
