I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Randomize
