Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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