a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
