her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Randomize
