Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
