The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Even my vagina gasped.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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