My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
