why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
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