my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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