Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I want her autograph on my taint
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
