is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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