I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
