Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
