Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
