Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
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