My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Randomize
