I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I don't deserve a penis
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Randomize
