halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
you have to choose: penises or morals?
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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