I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
