i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
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