Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
im drinking this country out of the recession.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
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I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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