I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
