Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
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